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Crazy Like The Fox - Quantity Over Quality
Tertia See It / Know It / Find It / As It April 2015
Thursday, December 2nd, 2010 12:59 pm
Crazy Like The Fox

How do you know you're not insane? There are the obvious ways to check: have you been sectioned, do you know what year it is, is your desire for Cthulhu to turn out to be real still just an amusing affectation you've adopted to impress geek boys? But sometimes it's harder to know. Think of all the feelings you experience on a weekly basis that if you didn't have an immediate explanation for you'd be considering yourself properly Jack Torrance at the end of The Shining (or at the start, or in the middle. I'm just saying Nicholson never played sane well, if at all, ever).

I'm talking about the intense rage you feel when someone steals a seat on the tube you've been eyeing up and hovering over for a full 3 stops; the soul-burning desire for pizza/sex/instantaneous death that takes you over in the first hour of a hangover; the terrifying desire to fall into a coma and never wake that you feel in the first few bleary seconds of Monday morning. These are extreme emotions that you feel on a regular basis, and they are thankfully fleeting. If they sustained themselves and didn't have clear and traceable causes you'd be worried: believe me.

The way this has been effecting me is jet lag. At least I'm hoping it's jet lag. I feel so out of sync with the world that everything feels like reverse deja vu. I feel like, as events are happening around me, I'm watching them back from a few moments forward in the future. My responses to simple questions, (What's your name?, Who do you think you are?, Are you seriously wearing that outfit to the pub?), make no sense and are simply falling out of my mouth like teeth in an anxiety dream. Having said that, my dreams have become more lucid also due to the jet lag, so much so that I had the famous teeth-falling-out-anxiety dream in all its raw, goopy, chunky goodness only to awake to find I am indeed incredibly anxious about losing my teeth, and all my other anxieties seem very small in comparison to this horrific possibility.

At any rate, I feel entirely out of sync with not only time and space, but with people. It's making me wonder if I've gone slightly insane. All my emotions are amplified: I feel rage on the tube pre-emptively, and for hours after a transport-based slight. I've not had a hangover because I can't sleep long enough to wake up to one, though this has helpfully reinforced my internalised secret theory that hangover's aren't alcohol-induced, it's just that alcohol allows you to enter a deep enough state that you allow your body to manifest the exact emotion of feeling sorry for oneself as a series of physical symptoms. These may or may not be termed Wallow's Syndrome.

However, while jet lag has it's downsides, (lack of sleep, energy, happiness, and a deepening, creeping concern over possible insanity), it also has it's plus points too. For a start, I was worried these problems were indicative of the onset of depression, but jet lag has at least DELAYED my need to examine these overwhelming moments of sadness as anything other than a bit tired. It has given me a reason to fall even deeper into the aching crevasse that is my caffeine addiction. There's no need to justify my 5th cup of tea of the day, not even in the context of it following my 4th can of coke. Jet lag also allows for me to become glassy eyed in the most boring conversations: it's not you, it's the jet lag. I'm almost disappointed I'm not in a bad relationship so I could break it off with that line.

That bastion of accurate and never corruptible knowledge, Wikipedia, defines insanity as "...a spectrum of behaviors characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral patterns." This is unhelpfully vague and doesn't allow me to make a solid and tidy comparison between the experiences I have posited here as being similar or the same as insanity. This leads me to believe my attempt to draw any correlation between madness and jet lag has been fallacious, or perhaps deluded, and, in itself, indicative of an abnormal mental state.

The year, at present, is 2010.

Cross posted from http://maidoffail.blogspot.com/